I am at a loss

I have tried playing on the computer, checking my email, just lying in bed, taking a bath with lavendar scented salt and candlelight and I am still in the same prediciment. Oh, and i can't spell.

Anyhow, I woke up at 12:45, after going to bed about 10:00 and can NOT go back to sleep. SO I figured what the hell, why not blog. Maybe it will help me solve the reason that I am not sleeping. Yes, I am stressed. I am going to be 30 on Friday and it just not sitting well. At. All. I know that it is just a number, another year, "I am so young" blah blah blah...I don't want to be 30. I am freaking out. When I turned 30 I was supposed to have it all figured out, not be in debt, have 2 kids, a house with a white picket fence and actually be able to take a fricken vacation out of the country, you know just be in a place that things were "happening for me." And since this is my blog and I don't give a shit what anyone says I am going to just be true to myself and say these things on here that I won't actually "tell" anyone. Now, don't get me wrong, I am SO blessed and I realize this. But that doesn't take away the fact that I am going to be 30 and never again in my 20's, I will be looked at as an adult without question, I mean remember when you say someone in "their 30's" even in college and they--now me--are old??? I have a beautiful daughter (who ages me on a daily basis), I have a wonderful husband who is also an amazing father, I have a great job and fantastic position as a "Supervisor", I have a great family, I have amazing friends who I am so thankful for, I am VERY lucky and blessed, but I also have a lot of responsibility with all of these wonderful titles. I can't just up and drive to Stephenville to go to a concert anymore, I have to think before I do anything because it could affect the future of my daughter, I have to watch what I say at work because I am the example and am held to a higher standard, I need to be home directly or soon after work so that Andy can go to work, I can't just call in sick to take the day and shop, I am mourning my youth. I miss my friends. I miss being spontaneous, although it was rare, but I still miss the freedom of it. I don't want to become old and boring and grumpy and miserable. I realize again that 30 is not the end of the world and it is still young, but it isn't the 20's, it isn't college, it is reality and life and a blessing to have another birthday. I am blessed, I am lucky to be alive, I am lucky to see my daughter grow and develope, I am blessed that people at work think enough of me to desire my opinion and need my input. I am so lucky to have a husband who loves me, even when I am irrational and emotional. I am soo soo soo lucky. I know it.

I need to lose some weight and focus on the good, the positive, the living and the opportunities. I feel better. I am still not sleepy, but I do feel better.